That’s Ireland

Senator Eoghan Harris has taken an early lead in the race for Eejit of the Year 2008. His article in today’s Sunday Independent both borrows a tactic perfected by last year’s winning Eejit John Waters (the famous ‘I am crying, writing this’ theme) and also ventures into unparalleled realms of eejitry of his own.

Just read this, and I defy you not to laugh: >>>

Heroic Bertie rides into the sunset, foes all in disarray

By Eoghan Harris
Sunday April 06 2008

All political dramas are westerns. Last weekend Bertie Ahern’s enemies were planning to finish him off with a high noon — or high jump. And while I was determined to be the last man standing at his side, I knew he had no hope.

So I watched with heavy heart as he stood, like a little Cuchullainn, circled by enemies, waiting for the end. But then, in a sudden, supreme stroke of strategic genius, he holstered his gun, handed his star to Brian Cowen, and rode into the sunset.

This left the townspeople looking at his media tormentors. Without Ahern in the way they could see what a nasty bunch they were. And under the public’s grim gaze the hired guns of the media began to back away, blustering about how Bertie had been a great sheriff.

But my mind was on Bertie Ahern’s bit of unfinished business back in town. Maybe he heard my cries of Shane. Because he came back.

I held my breath as he was hailed a hero. Held my breath while he got a standing ovation in UCD for bringing peace to the town. Held my breath while the media threw maudlin arms around him and told him to forget all that Mahon stuff.

And I only let that breath go when Bertie walked out of the hall, smiled at the media, and then shot the guys who gave Grainne Carruth a hard time. Because a hero avenges a fallen comrade at any cost.

Then there is a whole load of nonsense about Bertie Ahern’s greatest achievement being the demise of Sinn Fein. Followed by an aphorism-fuelled return to the Western theme:

Last week Bertie Ahern gave the lie to Enoch Powell’s aphorism about all political careers ending in failure. He did so by acting on Hegel’s aphorism that freedom is the recognition of necessity.

So instead of waiting for the inevitable push, Ahern jumped. With that one bound, our hero was free. Heroes, however, do not leave women in the lurch.

So, while I had no tears when he rode away, I wept hard when he came back for Grainne. That’s what I call a hero.

Eoghan Harris, we salute you for eejitry beyond the bounds of satire.